Diagnosis: normal

...at least for a kid with A.D.D.



Doctor: So why are you here?

Me: Well, she has a hard time focussing.

Doctor: How exactly?

Me: When it's time to sit down and do school work, she drifts off and it takes her forever to do homework. And when she's talking, she has a hard time getting all the words out; her thoughts seem really disorganized. Her grades are good, but her teacher always says that she doesn't finish her work on time.

Doctor: Has it always been like this?

Me: Yeah. Even in kindergarten, her teacher sent her into the hall 15 minutes before the others so she could get her snowsuit and boots on in time so she wouldn't get distracted by the other kids.

Doctor: What about sports? Does she do okay in team sports?

Me: We did have her in soccer a couple of years back, but she would be pretty dreamy and not really pay attention to the ball. If it came to her, she'd kick it, but within seconds, she'd be thinking about something other than the game... I've done some reading, and I'm wondering if this may be Attention Deficit Disorder.

Doctor: Sounds to me like there's no question that it is.

And over the course of our 30-minute conversation (with Maïa in another room), what I'd been thinking for months was confirmed. I asked questions, got a few suggestions on coping mechanism, and was told what to look out for.

Doctor: My biggest concern for kids like this isn't school or achievement – because clearly she's smart – my concern is her self-esteem. Does she have friends?

Me: A number of good ones. Yes.

Doctor: Fewer than last year?

Me: No. Probably more.

Turns out that's a great indicator. If she has lots of friends, the way she thinks, the way she sometimes gets distracted, isn't interfering with her social life. But it doesn't mean that it won't. We're supposed to keep an eye on that. And we're supposed to keep an ear open for her putting herself down. So far, we haven't seen it. She has decent self-confidence. She knows she's smart, and she knows there are a bunch of things she's good at. But if that starts changing as school work gets harder, or as girls become meaner and start looking to pick on anything or anyone who is different, her self-esteem might go with it.

Me: So what do we do if that happens?

Doctor: You come back. We decide on another course of action. Perhaps some medication. I don't think we should treat something with drugs that isn't a problem. But if your child had asthma, you'd want her to be able to run with the other kids, right? So we'd prescribe something.

I'm not sold on medicating my child. I'm certainly not sold on drugs for behavioural problems, though I've seen it work wonders in the right context. If we think of a calm, organized child as the norm, then anything outside that norm needs to be changed or treated in some way. That makes me uncomfortable. Because Maïa's dreamy nature might be a boon to her some day, and the doctor even said so.

Doctor: A.D.D. is actually a kind of gift. People with attention issues often tend to be very creative; they're dreamy and they dream up new ideas all the time. When employers say they want someone who can think outside the box, they mean they want people like Maïa. A.D.D. doesn't mean she won't be successful. It could mean she'll be very successful. She'll just need a really good secretary.

Me: So what do we do with all this?

Doctor: Make sure she does homework in a quiet place. The kitchen table while you're making supper and there are other kids whizzing around is a bad idea. Give her one or two tasks at a time. More than that, and she'll be overwhelmed and forget what she's supposed to do. Don't nag; that'll just get her thinking that she's not good enough. Meet her teacher early in the year and work with the teacher. Once the teacher knows her well enough, we can administer a questionnaire, to both parents and the teacher. That way, we get an official diagnosis. Then she can get the resources she needs at school, whether it's more time at exams or a segregated cubby to write tests or do work. But mostly, just listen. Make sure she's happy.

And isn't that the only thing we can do with our kids? Listen, and make sure they're happy?

I've spent eight years being frustrated and annoyed at how my child does things. Because it's not the way I do them. And it's not quick. And I have to repeat myself. And I don't understand why she. just. doesn't. get. it.

Now I know. Suddenly, my heart has opened wider than I thought possible. The pain and frustration I've felt has melted away as I now see the pain and frustration she must have felt all this time, being nagged and cajoled and even yelled at, for something she couldn't quite control or change.

I see a new path before us, as mother and daughter working together, not as adversaries. This diagnosis, which I was both dreading and anticipating, has made me understand. Maïa is Maïa. Completely normal for being herself. It's up to the rest of us to adjust to her way of thinking and to help her along her own path.