For the past couple of weeks, I have had to face, in an immediate and real way, an issue that has been under the surface ever since Derek and I decided to have a second child: no two people, even if they are siblings, are the same.
This statement seems self-evident, but most of us (each of us?) make this assumption on a daily basis, especially when it comes to children. We think that because one child, usually the older one, behaves a certain way or is interested in certain things, the other child(ren) must also behave in such a manner.
When Maïa was about 9 months old and as happy as a little baby can be, Derek and I decided it was time to start "trying." When I asked Derek if he wanted a boy the second time around, he answered that he wanted another girl. He so enjoyed Maïa that he wanted another one like her. Of course, we knew that this child would be different, but we assumed she'd be more like her big sister if she were a she.
When I became pregnant, I noticed immediately that things with this child were different. In fact, my pregnancy was so different, I thought at first that I was going to have a boy. This baby moved more, responded to my voice more; she was just different.
And when she came out, we noticed that, indeed, her behaviour was different. She was a bit bigger than her sister had been, but not by much; she was jaundiced like Maïa had been; she was bald. And yet. And yet, she acted so very differently. She was awake and alert most of the time. She ate like a horse. She got big, fast. She was... just different.
And there are any number of ways I can describe how different they are, but if you know them at all, you will have noticed them.
So it is with great surprise that I receive comments from one of Solanne's daycare educators: "She's not like Maïa. Maïa never used to do that. Maïa was so well behaved." As if Solanne has to be Maïa. Or as if because she's different from Maïa she's somehow lesser. I prefer to focus on her strengths, which, luckily, her other educator does in spades; I think she's quite taken with Sol.
Is this a fore-taste of what is to come? Will everyone compare Solanne to Maïa, if only because Maïa came first? Will her teachers remark that Solanne is not achieving in the same areas as her sister? Will they expect her to be the same? Will they chastise her for being her own person? (Meanwhile, Maïa will escape this fate since she doesn't have to worry about being her own person: she'll have no one to be compared to.)
While I don't want to type-cast either of them (this one is the smart one; that one's the pretty one...), I don't want them to think that they have to be the same people because they happen to share the same parents. And I don't want them to feel that they are deficient in any way because their strengths lie elsewhere.
So, I sigh, take a deep breath and realise that it really is challenging to raise siblings when you were an only child (more or less).
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4 comments:
My big sister is in town this week so I've been spending a lot of time with her and my little sister - it's true how different we all are! And looking back, we all had to deal with being in the shadow of the other or in the spot light.
We all have our strengths (which evolve and change over time) and I think it’s rewarding to recognize them. Here something to look at: http://www.thomasarmstrong.com/multiple_intelligences.htm
Comparisons are inevitable and they go both ways...I was tall for my age and Max was small...I remember feeling that people generally fawned over Max and it got to me...then again, Max felt the pressure to live up to certain standards I had I guess technically created (mostly unwittingly!ci). There is always the risk for type-casting to occur, but I guess we can try to give room for each individual to go where they may, and allow ourselves to be "surprised" every once in a while (maybe an apparently "quiet" child isn't really that quiet after all!!).
At the beginning of every school year my younger sister would get the inevitable phrase "Oh, are you Susan's sister?". One day she finally replied "No, I'm Sylvia." *grin*
I was a middle child, so I got this from both sides, very differently. My big sister was a terror, so teachers expected me to be the same, and I was a high achiever, so my little sister had to deal with the expectations of teachers. Nancy hated this with a passion, and what helped was that Nancy changed elementary schools and was much happier starting fresh. I know it's easier to have both kids in the same school, but it is something to think about. I think it's important for kids to realise that, for example, they don't need to go to the same high school as everyone else in their family.
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