The third wheel

When you were little, did you ever lose your best friend to another kid? When I was about seven years old, I did, almost: my best friend, Nat, befriended another little girl, and I felt betrayed. There were some recesses when the two of them would take off without me, or they would have sleepovers that I wasn't invited to. It was heartbreaking.

Maïa has got herself into one of those situations, only she's the other little kid. At her daycare, there are two little girls who are inseperable: C and M. They do everything together at daycare, and they even like each other enough to want to see each other on the weekends, too! So you can imagine the difficulty that M has been having since C has taken Maïa as a friend. Now, it's not that the two are best friends. In fact, Maïa hardly ever talks about C. But the two get along quite well. M is not happy. When I went to pick Maïa up early one day, the kids were running around in the gym, only as three-year-olds can: loudly, chaotically, and while holding at least one other child's hand. So M and C were running about wildly when C spotted Maïa and ran over to her to grab her hand. M shouted loudly, "Not Maïa!" C insisted and the three ran together, though M did so quite reluctantly.

Now today, when Derek went to pick Maïa up, M was saying some nasty things about Maïa (which, in three-year-old world goes something like: "I don't like her!"). C was nowhere in sight, but Maïa has become such a threat to M that M just can't bring herself to endure being around Maïa. I really feel for little M, but I'm starting to understand the complexity of childhood relationships.

Maïa seems oblivious to the world around her because she generally plays on her own and seems to tune others out. But she actually picks up on everything. When Derek and I have a conversation at dinner or in the car and we think that the kids don't understand, Maïa will pick up the thread and ask us very pertinent questions about the topic we're discussing. I've taken to keeping important conversations for the evenings once she's in bed. So when Maïa seems oblivious to M's feelings towards her, I'm guessing that there's more going on. And I understand, suddenly, that the so-called "third wheel" is also heartbroken. It's not as though she is rejoicing in the attention C gives her. But she is most certainly suffering, to one degree or another, in the negativity that is coming off this other child.

So I've decided to talk to the daycare teachers to see if they've talked with M about her feelings. Certainly, they've picked up on the dynamics of the trio. But I want them to reassure M that C is still her best friend and that Maïa is just a regular friend and that Maïa could never replace her.

But, I'm realising as I write this, even if that conversation takes place, there is no guarantee that M will suddenly like Maïa, or even quitely tolerate her presence. And there is nothing I can do about it. It is completely out of my hands. Perhaps I am the one who is heartbroken...